Republican Party Touts 'Big Tent', Seeks Inclusive Party of Bigots, Religious Fanatics and Illiterates

by Lorna Salzman

Republican Party organizers fanned out across American campuses this week, seeking to enroll new young voters from the ranks of college students.

Their message: The Republican Party is a big tent.

Said one organizer: "We don't miss Christopher Buckley one bit. The last thing our party needs are intellectuals who might cast doubt on our dogmas or, worse, have a sense of humor. Good riddance to him."

The organizers plan to attend beer parties at campus fraternities, as a symbolic gesture that they welcome diversity in their ranks.

"Our message is going to be clear; we welcome all the cultural Neanderthals, political authoritarians, social regressives and environmental Genghis Khans. The more wolves shot from airplanes, the clearer our message will be. We are extremely tolerant, especially of unmarried pregnant teenagers whose parental support embodies real family values," said one spokesman

He continued: "Like Sarah Palin, you need not be embarrassed to admit that you only read whatever's in front of you. Our party welcomes you not in spite of this but BECAUSE of this. Ignorance denotes wholesome small town values untainted by the snotty elitist mass media. When it comes to your IQ, our slogan is: Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

As an example of their political astuteness and identification with rednecks, bigots, racists, religious fanatics and illiterates, Republicans are planning toga parties on many college campuses, where the film "Animal House" will be screened, saying that the fraternity members in this film remain important role models for Republicans.

© 2002 Lorna Salzman. All rights reserved. Material may be quoted with permission.