The Politically Correct James Bond

by Lorna Salzman

From Jihad Watch: A quadriplegic Muslim in London has sued the UK spy service for rejecting his job application.

After a long court trial initiated by a muslim quadriplegic denied a job as a UK spy, the judge found in favor of the muslim and ordered the spy service to fully accommodate his physical needs and insure equal treatment.

Consequently, the spy agency has hired a large number of apparel, travel, food and design consultants to comply with the law. The apparel consultants are particularly challenged, inasmuch as muslim apparel such as round head caps, long beards, and flowing white robes are perceived by the public as belonging to potential muslim terrorists, a perception that could seriously interfere with the muslim spy's ability to infiltrate non-muslim groups such as radical Zionists. The muslim, however, says that his garb will be advantageous when attending terrorist planning meetings, since all of these are muslim.

Since muslims are required to face Mecca and pray five times a day, the spy agency is concerned that such religiously mandated prayer could slow down or block important spy actions such as those involving airplane hijacking, where someone in a wheelchair who decides to pray could interfere with a rescue operation or block the emergency exit.

But the muslim claims that his religion would be beneficial in these cases. "Inshallah that my muslim brethren do not hijack an airplane, but if they do, I will insure that they take a long enough break for prayer during the flight, during which time my British colleagues can also take a tea break while preparing to resume their efforts to disarm these peace-loving muslims".

Another problem of concern is the lack of wheelchair access in the homes, stores and secret meeting places of muslim terrorists that are not located on the ground floor. Consequently, the British government is considering legislation that would require all terrorists and criminals to provide ramps and elevators for access by those in wheelchairs or otherwise incapacitated. Locating all of these venues will pose a big challenge to the British.

The refusal of muslims to touch or associate with women poses a problem that could prove insoluble. Forcible detention or arrest of female criminals, especially when removing suicide bombing vests that have failed to explode, will be impossible and will require alternative methods, such as verbal orders to the criminal to disarm herself and remove her vest, though such removal poses another problem because these vests are worn underneath the outer garment, be it blouse or dress. Resistance from these female bombers to undress is expected to be a major challenge.

The observance of Ramadan, the month long religious observance that involves continual daylight fasting, will require granting muslims a month-long paid vacation. Already muslim unions are claiming this as an extra vacation in addition to their regular vacation time.

Equally problematic is the use of special spy dogs trained to detect explosives and banned substances. The dog is considered the height of uncleanliness in the muslim world. But the muslim quadriplegic says this should pose no problem: "As long as we do not have contact with Jews, this is no problem because muslims believe that all Jews are dogs".

© 2002 Lorna Salzman. All rights reserved. Material may be quoted with permission.