iPhone and Blackberries Are Declared Sharia-Compliant

by Lorna Salzman

The new Apple iPhone, Blackberries, and all cell phones capable of text messaging have been declared sharia-compliant by the Muslim religious authorities.

The thorny issue of stock market trading by owners of these electronic devices is still under debate, however, due to the fact that some of these trades may involve dividends in the form of interest, which is banned under Islamic law.

Sharia law has been updated in recent years, though not in the field of women's rights. Some years ago an Arab divorced his wife by leaving her a voice mail message that consisted of the required divorce statement: "I divorce you", repeated three times.
This was upheld by the courts.

Since then the use of mobile phone and text message devices has exploded exponentially, providing ordinary Muslims with unprecedented freedom of communication. Terrorists and terrorist organizations in particular have especially benefitted, sending security agencies and governments into seeking counter-measures as well as new means of tracking down voice and text messages. Several American would-be terrorists (Christmas Eve bomber, Ft. Hood murderer, Bronx synagogue bombers and the Shoe Bomber) had been tracked down when an observant bystander overheard them at airports saying "My groin is blurry", meaning that the bomb between their thighs would readily pass for their non-existent genitals, which they had had removed surgically, recognizing that their successful mission would no longer require them.

A problem does exist, however: the fact that almost no Muslims living in the United States understand or read modern Arabic, the most recent of the numerous derivatives of the original language. They are therefore completely dependent on the subjective views of hundreds and hundreds of Arabic and Koranic scholars, dead and alive, as to the actual meaning and intent of the Koran that exists today in modern languages.

This created at least one serious problem recently, when a young unmarried male text-messaged his friend and declared: "Can I meet your sister?...I'd be glad to suckle her". He wanted to visit his friend's house, where the sister also lived, but under Koranic law, unrelated males may not meet privately with unmarried girls. However, the Koranic scholars have declared that a blood relationship can be established if the woman suckles the man.

Sadly, the brother of the girl misunderstood his statement and intent and when his friend arrived at the house, he promptly beheaded him.

(Note: humorist Dave Barry was interviewed by NPR, complaining that he was patted down after undergoing a whole body scanner and was told that his groin was "blurry").

© 2002 Lorna Salzman. All rights reserved. Material may be quoted with permission.